5 Ways to Cope with Criticism as a Church Leader ~A Guest Post by Maggie Wallem Rowe

I recently shared on my Instagram that I thoroughly enjoyed Maggie Wallem Rowe’s new book, This Life We Share: 52 Reflections on Journeying Well with God and Others. Today I’m delighted to be able to share with you the following excerpt from her book. Enjoy! Taken from This Life we Share by Maggie Wallem Rowe. Copyright © 2020. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, a Division of Tyndale House Ministries.

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“If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding. ~Proverbs 15:32

When my husband and I first entered pastoral ministry, we brought certain assumptions with us. If we were kind to others, we expected them to respond with kindness. If we offered the benefit of the doubt in circumstances when someone’s actions had a less than stellar outcome, we’d receive it too. It’s how relationships between believers are supposed to work. Except when they don’t.

Yes, our relationships with other Christ followers often bring beauty and encouragement. But what we tend to recall more vividly are the blistering criticisms.

I remember the older man new to our church who blamed my husband for low attendance at a special event, concluding in his letter, “You and that wife of yours will never amount to anything in ministry, and neither will your church.” And the well-to-do businessman who voted against granting us a long overdue sabbatical because we hadn’t been “successful” enough when it came to growing the big Bs: the building, the budget, and the number of butts in the seats.

Maybe you’re one of those rare people who is blessedly impervious to personal attack. More likely, though, you’ve experienced it too. You’ve absorbed verbal blows from abusive family members, snarky friends, angry customers, unhappy patients, dissatisfied clients. It hurts.

God designed his human family—the pinnacle of his creation—to care for one another. In our relationships, with all their potential for joyful connection, lies the possibility of deep emotional pain. None of us is completely immune from criticism, so how can we filter it in a redemptive way?

Choose blessing rather than bitterness. Responding in love to those who seem intent on tearing you down rather than building you up is difficult. As I’ve navigated contentious relationships over the years, I’ve realized I have three choices: become bitter and build a wall, become emotionally barren and withdraw, or consider myself blessed to occasionally suffer because of the one I serve.

The apostle Peter cautions us, “Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with blessing. This is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing.” The choice, however, is ours.

Study role models in Scripture. Moses was no stranger to others’ complaints, nor was David to rebuke. Mary of Nazareth kept silent in the face of the cultural scorn and misunderstanding she must have faced. Learning to respond to adversity as they did is a potent stimulant to spiritual growth. The life of Christ himself is a case study in dealing with criticism in a godly manner.

Look beyond the fault to see the need. Sometimes our accusers go on the offense due to deep needs in their own lives that remain unseen to us. It can help to recognize that we may be absorbing others’ anger that has nothing to do with us.

Contextualize the criticism. When Mike and I carefully considered the painful letter we received, we realized the writer’s distance from our church situation supplied potential for misunderstanding. The businessman who opposed us was experiencing significant work-related stress. We were not the only targets of his anger. Putting ourselves in their places helped us understand them better.

Retreat to restore perspective. Think of a retreat as a strategic withdrawal. Can you get away for even a few hours to gain emotional distance from the situation? Withdrawing in order to lay your pain before God can provide the strength and insight to respond constructively.

Stop, drop, and roll. When my kids were small, this simple phrase taught them what to do if their clothes ever caught on fire. When you’re blistered by criticism, you may want to apply the same advice.

Stop and listen, resisting the impulse to defend yourself or withdraw. Is there something valuable you can learn?

Drop to your knees and take the situation to the Father for comfort and counsel. Moses fell on his face when confronted with the Israelites’ complaints and did not respond until he had received direction from the Lord.

Roll with the punches! Take the proactive approach. You may not be able to prevent the next verbal attack, but with God’s help, you can control your response to it.

One caveat, friends. Continual, sustained verbal abuse is a different animal from the garden-variety criticism that comes with social interaction. If you’re in a relationship where you’re constantly subjected to demeaning personal attacks, please talk with a counselor, trusted spiritual advisor, or your workplace HR department. If your adversary won’t cease and desist, you may need to find a way out of the situation. If that’s impossible at present, ask God to toughen your skin. Even that difficult strengthening process can be cause for gratitude. Underneath a tough skin, God can, in his ultimate mercy, preserve a tender heart.

Points of Connection:

The apostle Paul, no stranger to criticism, once wrote to the Corinthians, “As for me, it matters very little how I might be evaluated by you or by any human authority” (1 Corinthians 4:3, nlt). Given how painful it is to be harshly critiqued, how could Paul write this? Read 2 Corinthians 11:16-30. What do we know about his personal history that prepared him to accept harsh criticism?
Irish missionary Amy Carmichael was widely celebrated for her writing and work among the people of South India, yet she was often the victim of unjust accusations and personal attack. She once wrote, “If I feel bitterly towards those who condemn me, as it seems to me, unjustly, forgetting that if they knew me as I know myself they would condemn me much more, then I know nothing of Calvary love.” Perhaps you’ve been unfairly criticized, but are there other times you deserved rebuke for behavior that escaped notice? How can this self-knowledge provide perspective?

LifeLine: Burned by criticism? Stop, drop, and roll.

About the Author:

Maggie Wallem Rowe is a national speaker, dramatist, blogger, and writer who has contributed to more than ten books, including numerous devotional Bibles. Maggie has traveled extensively throughout the United States and abroad, performing original one-woman dramas that she authored and speaking at outreach programs, conferences, community events, and retreats. She holds an undergraduate degree in communications with a minor in education, as well as a graduate degree in biblical studies, both from Wheaton College (IL). Maggie lives near Asheville, NC, with her husband, Mike. The Rowes have three adult children and five grandchildren. This Life We Share is her first book. Visit Maggie at www.MaggieRowe.com.