I am delighted to be introducing you this week to another friend of mine whose words are sure to inspire and encourage you. Brooke is someone I love to follow on Instagram, and she also graced the pages of issue 5 of Spirit-Filled Woman Magazine in a wonderful article entitled “Hospitality Beyond the Table”. I have shared time and again my disdain for legalism, so this article was a gift to read! I hope you come away from it refreshed and encouraged, as well!
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The Temptation
My parenting days lately have involved a good deal of strife. I’m the mom of two young boys, almost 5 and 2, and I feel the weight daily of my responsibility to raise them well and teach them to love and follow the Lord. I feel this weight and my love for them so much that I whip up a desperate plan to ensure they “turn out.” It’s important to start young, so I begin with strict law enforcement. Do not hit your brother, do not talk back, do not whine, obey immediately the first time. That will be a good start. If I enforce the laws consistently enough, they should “turn out,” right? Somewhere in there we’ll talk about Jesus, they’ll develop an undying love for Him, and I’ll give myself a nice pat on the back when they turn 18.
The Reality
But let’s come back to the part where they’re still not even 5 and 2 yet, and the strife. It turns out that these laws don’t go over so well with these two headstrong, determined little boys. (Do they really go over that well with any of us?) I run out of ways to try to get them to comply, and that’s when “ugly Mom” comes out. The threats, the yelling, the harsh words. My oldest son told me recently that the beautiful flower he picked for me had magic in it, and it would make me stop using my ugly-voice if I smelled it. I was too mad to smell the flower, but the conviction was there, strong and heavy.
As parents who truly want the best for our children, how do we train and discipline them in obedient behavior without forgetting the importance of an obedient heart? How do we cultivate their respect for authority without letting the power go to our own heads? How do we keep our eyes focused on the true goal of pointing them to Jesus in the daily nitty-gritty of “put on your shoes NOW” and “do not hit your brother again”?
Of course there are a thousand different books, methods, and philosophies on child-rearing and discipline, and there is great value in those kind of tools. Each family will have their own convictions about the practical methods that are best for their children and family. But I want to consider the bigger picture of Spirit-led parenting, specifically in combating legalism as we train our children in the ways of the Lord.
The Bigger Picture of Spirit-led Parenting
Legalism can express itself in a variety of ways in Christianity, but always at the heart of it is the message that we can accomplish some level of righteousness by our own efforts. It emphasizes outward obedience to God’s word while downplaying the Holy Spirit’s role in producing that obedience, and usually excludes any variance in Spirit-led convictions from person to person. In parenting, it shows up when we focus more on the rules than the heart issues behind our children’s behavior and when staying in control becomes more important than following the Spirit’s leading as we teach them.
One of the trickiest things about legalism is that it disguises itself as simply a desire for righteous living — and who can argue with that? All Christian parents want their kids to lead godly lives, but legalism sneaks in when we start believing it’s up to us to produce godliness in our children (or ourselves) by adhering to a checklist of do’s and don’t’s. We do have aresponsibility to teach our children the ways of the Lord, but it is the Holy Spirit who ultimately convicts (John 16:8) and produces fruit (Galatians 5:22-23).
The gospel itself shows us that it is by the will of God and the blood of Jesus and the power of the Spirit who raised him from the dead — not our own worthiness or efforts — that we become children of God. Why would the rest of the Christian life be any different? Galatians 3:2-3 says, “Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?”
As Christian parents, the thing we desire most for our children is that they come to know Jesus through the gift of salvation. We know this is a surrender that only they can choose, yet so often we still feel the pressure to “make sure” they get saved. We may begin to think that just the right combination of biblical teaching and correct disciplining methods will help save them, or that at least if we can control their behavior, it will produce the fruit of righteousness in their hearts. It is hard and scary to trust the process of faith for our children’s salvation, but deep down we know that it is a work only God can do. And if grace by faith is enough for salvation, as Paul tells us, it is also enough for the rest of the Christian life.
The Day-to-Day Implications
So what does this mean for our daily child-rearing? I certainly don’t have an answer key to bust out and share, but one thing I’ve been learning in my time parenting so far is that it always begins with me. I have to be in the Word of God, poised to obey the Spirit’s quiet voice, repenting of my own sin over and over again. I have to accept God’s daily, lavish grace for myself in order to extend it to my children. I have to release my tight grip of control and trust God to transform them into his likeness as only He can do.
If we submit daily to God’s work in our own hearts, we find that a miracle occurs when it’s time to face the nitty-gritty moments of everyday parenting. The Spirit produces the life-giving fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control in us, and it affects every situation from finding the shoes to answering the whines, and everything in between. We can handle each moment with confidence, remembering from 2 Peter 1:3 that “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness.”
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Brooke lives in Northwest Washington with her husband and two sons. Jesus set her free from a lifetime of legalistic religion, and she is passionate about His gospel of grace. She’s currently on a journey of discovering God’s abundant purposes for women in His kingdom. You’ll likely find her at the ocean, in a coffee shop, or in the sunshine of her own backyard – and always with a book. You can follow along with her writings on Instagram.
