“There weren’t many that I would select as husbands for my daughters. It wasn’t because they were mean or obnoxious. They were something even more distasteful—many were sweet, kind, and soft “mama’s boys.” I know, some of you are about to say, “But that is how I wish my husband was; if he would just care more about my feelings or be more gentle, then I would be so much happier. I am going to make sure that I raise a son who will be loving and caring about a girl’s feelings, and be willing to sit and listen and spend time talking with me.” I have seen a few men like that, and, oh yes, they are sweet to the point where you wonder if they truly are men. God created men to be men and women to be women, so let’s take his cue and start raising men and women in the image which God intended them to be.That is what you need to be raising for my daughters, Gracie and Laila. He already manifests leadership qualities—most notably, manly dominance.
I observed as he and Gracie were playing. She got into the driver’s seat of the play car. He told her that being the man, he was going to do the driving, but if she married him, he would give her a debit card. She readily agreed. Smart girl.
But do not let yourself cater to the sensitive and caring side of that child. Carefully and patiently steer him to be tough in order to be able to face the trials of life.
Treat your little boys like men, and expect manly responses. Don’t demand that they be sensitive like girls.
If your daughter is not a servant by nature, you must give more time and attention in training her.“
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Ok, now for why those direct quotes are so troublesome in light of Scripture!
- By this definition of manhood, Jesus as a Man was in sin.
Whether Shalom means to or not, in this article she is plainly teaching that men are not to be sweet – “They are sweet to the point where you wonder if they truly are men”. In her estimation, men are instead designed by God to be tough and domineering (as if you can’t keep sensitivity as part of your character and still handle the hard seasons of life!). Perhaps this is why abuse towards women is oftentimes overlooked in the church and thereby deemed to be ok – after all, the men were just being domineering.
If God intended for men to be neither sweet nor sensitive, then Jesus was a disgraceful failure at being a man, and we should no longer look to Him as our ultimate example (not to mention the fact that He Himself is God, so would have to have been acting against His own design!). Christ was gentle and nurturing to little children (Matthew 19:13-14), referred to Himself as being like a mother hen who gathers her chicks under her wings (Matthew 23:37), and wept openly with sisters Mary and Martha when their brother Lazarus died (John 11).
Jesus was anything but tough, macho, domineering, or insensitive in His manhood! Instead, He was the kind of sensitive, caring, warm, compassionate man directly spoken against in the article referenced above.
- Service is not a feminine trait; it is a Christian trait.
Shalom believes that “if your daughter is not a servant by nature, you must give more time and attention in training her.”, implying that service is to be strictly a feminine trait. It is not. Jesus made this clear in Mark 10:45 when He announced what His mission was on this earth – “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” A chapter before, in Mark 9:35, Jesus had taught His disciples that, “If anyone desires to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all.” Jesus, as a Man, was a servant who not only willingly served, but also counted service as being important work for all – men included!
- All Christians – even men! – are to walk by the Spirit, thereby producing the fruits of the Spirit in their lives.
While those who believe men are to be tough and domineering and women are to be sensitive and caring would (of necessity!) disagree with this, it’s nevertheless true – the fruits of the Spirit are for both genders and are to be emulated by both. Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control – these are to be the characteristics of a Christian, whether male or female (Galatians 5:22-23). Therefore, to claim that to be sensitive and caring is to be a “mama’s boy” and a terrible excuse for a man is to fly in the face of God’s design for His people. If we as Christians cannot be characterized by the fruits of the Spirit, what hope is there for our being salt and light in this world?
- Men and women are equal heirs together of the grace of life, partners in every way.
It is taught throughout this article that men are to be tough and strong and women are to be weak and subordinate – “being the man, he was going to do the driving, but if she married him, he would give her a debit card. She readily agreed. Smart girl.” Forgive me, but this is preposterous and completely unBiblical.
We have seen before that women were called and designed by God to be “ezers” for men – strong, capable, competent, rescuing, protective, guarding aids and partners in the mission and tasks of subduing and taking dominion which God has given to both genders (see Genesis 1:26-28, Genesis 2:18). We see this lived out well in the lives of women like the Proverbs 31 woman, Deborah, Priscilla, and Ruth.
Women are not essentially overgrown children good only for being given the debit card so they can spend the family money.
- Men are not told to lead with “manly dominance” – they are told to love and love does not seek its own way.
First of all, with all due respect, Shalom has a false understanding of leadership. Leadership is not synonymous with dominance in any way, shape, or form. It has often been said in various ways and by various people that to exert dominance is to be a very poor example of a leader. If you have to be domineering and force your will on someone in order to “lead”, then you are not in charge or practicing true leadership at all.
Second, men are actually never told to “lead” their wives. They are told to “love” their wives. The opposite of a wife’s role to “submit” in Ephesians 5 is not to “lead”, but to “love” (Ephesians 5:22-25). When we look at God’s definition of love as found in 1 Corinthians 14:4-8, we see that love is not domineering or interested in demanding or seeking its own (verse 5). It is not “puffed up” (verse 4) or “behave rudely” (verse 5). Love cannot be domineering or else it ceases to be love.
Therefore, Biblically speaking, it is impossible for a man to both exert so-called “manly dominance” and at the same time be living in obedience to God’s command to men that they sacrificially love their wives. First Peter 3:7 states that husbands are to dwell with their wives in understanding, giving honor to them. That is a far cry from the picture of “manhood” presented in the article I linked to above.
We are in dire need of more godly men in our society. The way we are going to raise them up is not by training them to be macho, tough, domineering, insensitive rulers (which, let’s be honest, is a result of the curse, not God’s design – see Genesis 3:16b). It will be by training them to emulate Christ in all they think, say, and do. He is their ultimate example, and He did not deem it beneath His manhood to be loving, sensitive, caring, compassionate, serving, and, dare I say, even motherly.
I am so glad that you have addressed this. The Pearls have promoted domestic violence in the church by their twisted doctrines that are definitely unbiblical. Yes both men and women are to be subject to 1 Cor. 13 and Galatians 5:22-23. Love never seeks to control another for one’s own benefit. We are to serve one another in love.
Amen! So true. Thank you for the encouragement! 💕
I have found that I want to study the Bible for my answers to life instead of blindly following what books, articles, and others may say.
I have two sons and two daughters. I’m trying to teach them to love God above all, and their “neighbor” as themselves. That doesn’t leave much room for bossy dominance. 🙂
Blessings~
Amen! Love that!
Yep. The Pearls have taken their preference for dominance/submission as their testimony and twisted it into a “Biblical” decree. It is a chronic virus within Protestant Evangelical denominations for people to take their personal testimonies and preferences/opinions and manipulate scripture to fit it and push it as gospel truth.
My husband has me drive all the time. I guess he’s a pansy. Or he drives a lot for a living and enjoys the break, and I get easily car sick unless I drive.
Sad, but true. It happens all the time which makes it so important for us to refute it with actual Biblcial truth.
haha! Good point! 😉
Poor Shalom. She reminds me of people who would discourage their daughters from climbing rocks or splitting wood because they thought those were “manly” activities and that letting their daughters do it would somehow make them unfeminine.
Like you wrote we all have to watch out for man-made ideas about gender behaviors that are not based on the Bible. As far as I can see young male and female children should be raised in the same way. They have to be taught proper social interaction, hygiene, virtue, etc. with the differences in the training stemming from the individual child’s personality, not their gender. For example, male OR female they need to have manners but some kids are harder to teach that to than others because social graces ia not their natural gifting, (might be your son… might be your daughter).
The variance in instruction comes in when teaching about marriage. For example I’m teaching my children how to practice Christianity and they get the exact same lesson until we are talking about male or female in a marriage relationship. Then the gender matters. The daughter will need to be taught what the older women are supposed to teach the younger (Titus 2). How convenient! What we should teach our married daughters is right there in the Bible! And what do you know there’s nothing about whether the husband or wife should drive! There’s also instruction for exhorting young men so I assume that should be applied to our sons but really all of scripture should be taught to all our sons and daughters. In addition though we have to be ready as the “older women” to answer their questions regarding “mommy, are there any extra instructions for me as a male/female?” since there are indeed a few specific ones in the Bible.
Yes, amen! I couldn’t have said it better. I completely agree with you 100%. I love what you said here: “Poor Shalom. She reminds me of people who would discourage their daughters from climbing rocks or splitting wood because they thought those were “manly” activities and that letting their daughters do it would somehow make them unfeminine.” Yes, exactly! I’ve heard that kind of teaching in certain circles and it’s so sad to me.
Thanks for writing this.
The Pearls are going with the world not against it. Outside of the US and Europe, goats are still treated better than women.